If there wasn’t a God, I know for a fact that I would not be sharing my story with you today. I’m not only talking about the opportunity to talk in front of all. I mean to physically post this blog article. I’m talking about the very reality that I may have ended my own life.
You see I was on a path that was littered with negativity, self-sabotage, depression, and suicidal thoughts. I thought a lot about how terrible my life was and how I’d become nothing like I dreamt I would be as a child. What happened? I did so well in school growing up. I was always told that I had such great potential. The word potential became the most disgusting word I could ever hear someone say to me. I would try to see this so called “potential” also known as my future but all I could see was darkness. It was like looking into a black sheet of paper in the dark.
I tried a lot of different things and they didn’t seem to help my situation. New jobs, self-help books, food, and buying stuff. As my final straw, I even tried fitness. Isn’t it thought that losing those last 15 pounds or last 10 pounds is all we need to be happy? It will solve EVERYTHING! I thought, hey I’ll get back to skinny and more athletic – like I was when I was younger and had potential. I’ll feel good about myself again and depression will just melt away with the fat!
In the middle of all this searching, someone invited me to church. However as I got in better shape along with a unanticipated job change, I became absent from church. That’s okay though right? I was getting in much better shape. I was in the best shape of my life and overall more confident but I was getting further and further from God. Why, after losing all that weight, was I still feeling like I didn’t want to live? Why did I feel like I still had no life in me? Why did I still feel overall like I was still so hopeless. Sure, my night shift job was a problem but why was I still wanting to harm myself each night?
The way things work, fitness & nutrition may be the ticket that reconnected me most to God. It helped me to realize that I need God to help me overcome the depression and self-hate. It was my personal trainer that reminded me once at 2am via text that I need to turn to Jesus. I was having a particularly bad night and reached out. It was like all I needed was a friend to have a little Faith to send my way again. It was literally a whisper to come back this way and follow what God says about fitness, health, nutrition and find true life in Jesus.
A few months later that same friend invited me to an event where I gave my life to Christ. It was so powerful. Someone from the event came and talked to me after and put his hand on my shoulder and told me that God has a plan to use me in a great way. That he was moved to come up and talk with me specifically. He had seen me in the crowd.
I felt the most comfortable I had felt in a long time. And even though, I’m not a public speaker, I feel that comfort today.
I still struggle with my depression but I know that God is using me to do good! God is using me through my weakness with regards to mental and physical health to encourage others to not give up hope and have faith.
I now know that I can’t eliminate the negative thoughts in my head, but God has shown me that with regular spiritual disciplines like being here on Sunday morning, taking care of my body, and hearing God’s truth, that I am to be excited for my future and grounded in my faith.
Thank you for listening to my story of faith.
If you have any comments or anything at all, I’d love to hear from you.
This was my story shared at Forest City Community Church North London back in March 2015.